7 Weird Goals I Have for Beach2Battleship

It’s exactly one week until the day I will be immersed in the ultimate act of ridiculous for the year: the Beach2Battleship Full Distance Triathlon. Yep, folks it’s an ironman. No matter what some tattoos might say. Now, thousands of people do iron mans each year, so it’s not like I’m special or anything.

I got the book...no turning back now!
I got the book…no turning back now!

It’s actually going to be my 2nd iron person. But this time, I’m way badasser, in way better shape, and I have the world’s best alpha bike. Plus, I’m actually excited about this one. An adventure it shall be.

On my chilly, listless and stale ride this afternoon, of the type only a taper can produce, I realized that I have some rather oddball goals this time around, apart from the typical “I want to finish in 12 hours” type. And guess what, ya’ll?

I have decided you need to know about them too.

1. Pee on Myself. Yes, that is correct. I want to let it flow with no shame. But this is about more than just being able to brag about my ability to give social norms the finger. You see, I have actually tried to pee on myself in a race before, but I cannot do it. So there’s a personal pride thing. More importantly though, if I need to pee on myself, that is a good indicator that I am hydrating appropriately.

And I also realized that the pee you pee when you really have to pee during exercise is almost entirely water. So it’s not that gross.

2. Not bleed my own blood. Again, this is deeper than the not-crashing goal that of course I have. It’s about staying healthy and conveniently non-leaky in the blood department. Last ironman ago, I had bad nosebleeds during the run. Not sure why, but it really sucked having to duck into the porta potty every mile and shuffle down the road holding questionably sanitary toilet paper up to my face. Ew.

Given we’re swimming in saltwater and it’s going to be freaking freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth, I am half expecting a nosebleed, but it would be nice to stay dry. I also don’t want blood in the form of I-just-chafed-all-my-skin-off either. Luckily, I’ve already dodged that other bullet approximately 51% of the population has to deal with.

3. See a cat. This is just a thing of mine. I count cats when I train. Cats give me superpower, like extra lives in Super Mario Bros, when you see a glittery mushroom and jump up and catch it and suddenly you can tear through the next 30 seconds like Usain Bolt on crystal meth. If I can see a cat during B2B, that’ll validate my strange (but admittedly awesome) super Mario cat tendencies. It should also help me kick a few asses.

4. Not look like an ass when I cross the finish line. Folks, if there’s any photo I would like to purchase from the race photographer, it’s of me crossing the finish line. I know I won’t look like a supermodel, but I’d at least like to refrain from having my face look like I’m a donkey riding a roller coaster.

5. Not look like ass when I cross the finish line. Okay, so this is a really lofty goal. I’m pretty sure everyone looks like ass when they finish an ironman. By maybe I can stay in the bottom percentile of assiness.

6. Have a decent song playing when I cross the finish line. Last time, it was Kenny G. Not kidding, unfortunately. I mean, come on, who even puts Kenny Fucking G on a playlist for a triathlon? At least the bar’s set pretty low for this one… Almost any song will do. As long as it isn’t an Eagles song. They suck.

7. I almost forgot! Have my photo taken with a giant block of cheese. This will likely happen before or after the race, but I will purchase a large beer for anyone willing to meet me at mile 13 of the run course with $400 worth of Gouda for a photo op.

Do you have any weird race goals? As long as they are equally or less creepy than my own, I’d love to hear them! I’ll be sure to report on how many of these I successfully achieve in my masterpiece of a race report that will follow. Wish me luck!!!!!!!

3 thoughts on “7 Weird Goals I Have for Beach2Battleship

  1. If you don’t accomplish number 1 by the end of the race please don’t stop before the finish line and squat to let a little out or you will fail on number 4.

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